Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
