so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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