My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Randomize