Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Randomize
