I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
