im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
