Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
