he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
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