I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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