why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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