i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
