the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
