if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
