we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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