you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
