I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
