Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
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