i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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