Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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