You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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