1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Randomize