Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
