Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
