she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
