I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Randomize
