'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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