Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
