also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
