..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
