wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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