I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
