..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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