i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
