They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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