If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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