if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
