Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
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