my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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