Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize
