LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
