i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
