are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
