nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
