can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Randomize
