Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Randomize
