I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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