the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
