i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
