Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
