lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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