did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
