Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
