My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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