That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
where are you?
Hypothermia
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
