don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
