my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
