if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
