I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
