there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
