HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Randomize
