I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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